Many people with MCS will agree that dealing with friends and family who are attached to their chemical fragrances is probably the most difficult and heartbreaking aspect of having this condition.
Not only do we suffer the physical illness of this condition, potential interference with work lives and even loss of our homes, we also face the prospect of rejection by our friends and family. Often times when we need these people the most, they can be the cruelest.
The reactions of my friends and family range a wide spectrum. I have people in my life who have been very understanding, gracious, and accommodating. I also have had people in my life who have either mocked me, turned their back on me because I “offended” them, or just flat out told me they believed it was “all in my head.”
One of my sisters straight out informed me that she believed I should “just get used to it”, and she would expose me to her smelly hair products whether I liked it or not. Luckily she was getting married so she moved out of the family home shortly thereafter. Even my own husband was very resistant to the changes he knew he had to make in order to continue to be with me. He knew that any fragranced products were a deal breaker for me, so although he grumbled a bit along the way, his attitude is a lot better than it used to be.
I recently had a very positive experience with my husband’s brother and his wife. After a noxious visit in their air “freshened” living room, the conversation came up when we were talking about chemicals, which is when they realized the plug-in in the other room was an issue for me. Even though I know I shouldn’t, I find myself in situations where I tough it out when it’s possible, because I’m afraid to speak up and ask for others to accommodate me. I’m afraid of the confrontation and potential rejection. They were asking me questions about how I became sick and what kinds of things bother me. They genuinely wanted to know. The next night my husband and I went back for dinner. Not only were they were gracious enough to remove the plug-in, all of the windows were open and all of the ceiling fans were running. There were NO traces of the plug-in and we had a wonderful visit.
It’s experiences like these that really make it clear to me that certain people will understand and sympathize, and others won’t, and often times I’m afraid there is not much we can do to make them understand. All you can do is express your situation the best way you know how, and ask kindly and sincerely if your friends and family are willing to accommodate you.
Here are some of the reasons I can think of that people give to explain why they feel they shouldn’t have to accommodate a person with MCS:
“If I don’t get sick from chemicals, then they must be safe, therefore you must not be as sensitive as you claim to be.”
“You’re crazy, it’s all in your head, and therefore there’s no reason for me to change the products that I use.”
“I like the way fragrance smells, and I don’t see why I have to change what I like for someone else.”
“It’s my right to wear perfume (or cologne) and you’re not going to tell me what to do.”
The common thread that runs through all of these reasons is narcissism. The person who willfully chooses to put their desire for chemicals over the health of another human being has a character flaw. Many times we feel, “If I could only make that person understand, then they wouldn’t be so callous and rejecting. They would sympathize and put me above their use of chemicals.” You cannot make that person understand because they don’t want to understand. If they actually understood where you are coming from, they would have to do something about it.
When someone is coming into your home, you have every right to set the rules for your own environment and request that anyone who crosses your door be scent-free. Most of the time, our homes are the only safe place in the world that we have, and it is extremely important to let people know what you can and cannot tolerate. For those who are willing, it’s extra beneficial to let them know how to be scent-free and I will be creating printout instructions on how to help your loved ones be scent-free.
When we venture out into someone else’s environment, we are left with only a small number of options. If someone chooses not to make concessions that would allow you to spend time in their home, then that person is not worthy of being a part of your life. As brutal as this may sound, sometimes we need to remove people from our lives. The number one strategy to deal with MCS is AVOIDANCE. We have to be diligent about removing the toxins from our lives, because toxins are what harm us. It doesn’t just mean chemicals. People can be toxic. In my opinion, a person’s negative attitude about MCS can serve as your litmus test. When a friend or family reacts negatively to your situation, they are showing themselves for who they truly are. They are telling you, “I won’t be there for you.” I only want to be surrounded by people who will support me and be there for me unconditionally. Often times we are stuck believing that we have to keep certain people in our lives because they are relatives or you have known them for a long time, but sometimes we have to reevaluate those relationships and make a clearing. If it seems like more people than not in your life are intolerant and unsupportive, tell yourself that the larger the clearing, the more space that leaves for people to come into your life who ARE compassionate, loving and understanding.
My husband and I spend our time and holidays with his family. My husband’s family are good people. They are very understanding and accommodating because it means more to them to include me in the family functions than to use artificial fragrances around me. Now, don’t get me wrong. Everything is not perfectly scent-free, but it is at a level that is very tolerable for me. Scented candles used to be a big part of their Christmas holidays, but they no longer use them for my benefit, and no one has ever made me feel ashamed for having chemical sensitivity.
Martha Beck is an author and sociologist who I was watching online one day. She spoke about how the truth will set you free. When you stand in your own truth and you speak your truth, she said, “the people who were never there for you will go away and in the clear space they leave and there will be love that you never imagined.” That one statement has had such a profound affect on me. It’s so appropriate. Our truth as people living with MCS is we must ask for help from those around us if we want to participate in their lives. It’s untruthful of us to keep quiet and suffer, even though we are afraid they will reject us.
I understand eliminating every unaccommodating friend or relative is not always an option. There are circumstances where breaking those ties causes damage to other relationships. For example, severing the tie with an unaccommodating, fragranced mother might mean not being able to see your beloved father. Another example is a difficult (grown) child of your husband or wife, where in order to be rid of the child, you would have to end your relationship with your partner. I have been in a circumstance like this, and was able to successfully navigate my way through it. I had conflict with my stepson because he chose to be negative towards my MCS. My only option was to tell his father I have to protect my health, so I kept my distance from his son. A while later, his son needed a place to stay and we agreed he could live with us only on the condition that he was completely scent-free to my specifications. At first he resisted and resented it, but agreed, and in the end he even admitted being scent-free wasn’t that big of a deal. Nowadays he is more mindful of fragrance when he comes to visit. Certain situations will require more diplomacy and finesse, but if a time comes when your back is up against the wall, you may have to choose between your health or your partner, your health or your parent, or even your health or your child. Only you can decide what price you are willing to pay for standing in your truth.
One thing to keep in mind though is that change is the only constant in this world. Sometimes people do come around and have a change of heart. It is possible but please do not blame yourself when friends and family will not accommodate your MCS. While it can be excruciatingly painful, their absence only leaves room for others to come into your life and love you, MCS and all.
Tags: Air Freshener, Avoidance, Chemical Sensitivity, Chemicals, Conversation, Detoxification, Eco-Friendly, EI, Environmental Illness, Environmentally Friendly, Family, Feelings, Fragrance, fragrance-free, Friends, Green Cleaning, Health, Healthy, Hope, Hygiene, Multiple Chemical Sensitivity, Natural, Odors, Organic, Perfume, Personal Care Products, Petrochemicals, Plug-ins, Toxic, Toxins
Scent Free Girl 